I think that part about owning language is the most criticized part of the piece. I was reaching for ways that patriarchy is baked into society but others, like you, have pointed out that the language goes both ways. So maybe that is not the best example. Or maybe women and girls use the language of patriarchy because that is what is available.

You also question whether patriarchy exists or ever existed. I think I’m in a similar boat actually and the point of my essay was that I started out sort of not believing Yael and ended accepting that her experience is real and must come from somewhere.

I think your point is that instead of patriarchy (made up?) Yael is likely experiencing what middle status feels like. People of higher status feel free to shit on you.

I have to agree that is how high school felt to me. Young men and women learn to figure out where we fit in based on looks, money, grades, sports ability, and so on and then we seek partners. We might want a higher status partner, but they might treat us poorly. Or we might go for a safer lower status partner and then discard them. It is a nightmare.

I think there might be the possibility that both status and patriarchy exist in the same world. They can overlap. And me telling Yael that her experience is not patriarchy shitting on her is gaslighting. I’m trying to learn here so I am taking her at her word.