I teach middle/owning class mostly white kids middle school and I see some of the same things. The boys are learning something about being two-faced. On the one hand their teachers and parents want them to be empathetic and aware. On the other hand, all of their friends are in another world entirely. My students are good at appearing to be sincere, and some of them are. Others I think are just trying to figure out who they are and how to be. They are trying out masks and seeing if this or that mask is them.

I don't have any tools. I think there is something about real work on collaborative projects that can help people see the humanity in other people. Not service projects though. And it can just as easily backfire and reinforce the shitty behavior.